Lost Video Island

[thefilmchick]

... is on now on the SciFi Channel. As I am an ex-film student, I shall let you all know my thoughts on it. (I hear, despite Josh Holloway, it's terrible. It's a SciFi original, so I am not surprised at that. However, I have a great appetite for godawful movies.)

Wow, when the sabretooth (hereafter referred to as 'Tigger') attacks the janitor, that is the fakest looking blood I've seen in a while. It is the color of freaking Fruit Roll-Ups.

Who is the Skeletor-looking woman there (aka 'Skeletor')? Because, wow, is she pinched-looking.

And there's Josh Holloway. Not crazy about the super-short hair, though it does make him look younger.

SciFi is showing the movie with seriously low volume. I had to crank it up to 55 to be able to hear the damn thing.

Oh no, Will Ferrell's truck broke down! I wonder if Tigger will attack.

'Where is Jason?'
'You must be Jason.'
'How did you know?'
'Because you weren't here.'
... the screenwriter must be a secret superhero: CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

Will Ferrell versus the cast of Deliverance. Start 'Dueling Banjos' anytime now.

That is the worst 'forest' drum music I have ever heard.

Skeletor versus Sawyer: Sawyer wins.

Why does Asthma Nerd go on a FOUR-HOUR HIKE? That's just dumb.

Will Ferrell is driving sleepily. This can only be a good sign, right? Right. OH NO TIGGER IS GONE. I wonder if we will get the unconvincing 'Tigger vision' camera trick again.

Apparently Tigger teeth can be used as grappling hooks. Black market paleo-geneticists take note: Profit awaits!

Bodycount so far: Carl the Janitor, Will Ferrell.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK OF THIS GLORIOUS CITIZEN KANE-LEVEL MASTERPIECE. 'ROSEBUD' AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON IT.
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

[Distress Signal]

I saw it with my sister a while ago on that channel (she's obsessed with him). It was extremely stupid, especially the special effects. John-Rhys Davies is also in it (Gimli). But he's not in it for long.
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sig by IslandofMystery

[thefilmchick]

Chubby woman and chubbier Sallah (I refuse to refer to him as Gimli, as Raiders of the Lost Ark was far better) make for boring conversation.

Orange Girl has the WORST timing.

Apparently they hand out Nobel prizes for boringness. That's the only thing Anna Nicole Smith there could earn.

Sawyer and his short black friend (now aka 'Webster') as a couple?

A couple having sex. They will die soon. And I often go out into the wilderness half-naked and clad only in an overshirt. Don't you? Lastly, the irony of 'here kitty kitty' is thumpingly obvious. And they just go out there like lemmings.

HAHAHAHAHA AT THE SABRETOOTH. IT IS A STUFFED ANIMAL IN THAT SHOT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

Back to boring conversation with Sallah and his friend. 'What are we hunting? A big cat.'

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex.

SECOND COMMERCIAL.

Sallah meets up with crazy Tigger hunter (herein 'Quint Ripoff.')

Webster is short a few brain cells. He almost was short a few bodily organs, too.

Orange Girl no longer looks orange outside of the apartment. Now she just looks geeky. So now her name is Lisa Loeb.

Sure, give Sallah all the packages and barely carry a damn thing yourself.

Insert stock shots of nature footage. They were the prettiest part of the movie thus far, minus Sawyer.

Quint Ripoff: "He got his first taste of long pig." Stock line to show you are a badass.

Anna Nicole Smith leaves Cliched Sex Girl, miraculously still alive. Her bad deed means she will die, too.

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex. (Same as last.)

THIRD COMMERCIAL.
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

[thefilmchick]

Two camps of retards. How is a busy cat to choose?

Because if there's anything that can drive Skeletor away from the campsite, it's the rather innocuous Truth-or-Dare question of 'Have you ever slept with a girl?' asked to a girl.

'Have you ever been in love?' and Sawyer doesn't answer the question. HAH.

Lisa Loeb needs to stop whining about tigers. And she is attacked by one, in the least suspenseful attack ever. Quint Ripoff can save her, though, right? Ten to one it will be a joke.

Best line thus far, by Sallah in response to 'Will you stop pacing?' by Anna Nicole. 'You do what you do; I'll do what I do. I pace. You probably ride a broomstick.' That one was actually close to clever.

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex, Lisa Loeb (?).

FOURTH COMMERCIAL. HALFWAY THROUGH.

This movie really is showing signs of moving 'M,' 'A Fish Called Wanda,' 'Dr. Strangelove,' and 'Rashomon,' amongst others, down on my "top movies ever" list. (Which, if anyone is interested, is here.)

Asthma Nerd's sister (hereafter referred to as 'Shannon') freaks out way too easily.

Skeletor is in charge. Why, again, is she leading the band of Skeletor and the Seven Dorks?

Quint Ripoff goes out to kill Tigger. Again, this can only bode well.

Shannon needs to stop macking on Sawyer. From the way that she acts, she will get him killed thanks to the sex = death movie cliche.

Asthma Nerd grows more irritating by the moment. Skeletor and Webster aren't much better.

FIFTH COMMERCIAL.

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex, Lisa Loeb (unless I missed someone else. Didn't watch this part quite as closely.)
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

[thefilmchick]

Asthma Nerd must die. Find him dead already, for God's sake!

I am becoming less and less interested in the movie for its cheese factor. Strange; I had thought movies were supposed to get better, or worse. This one just gets more boring.

Shannon has the only bright idea - staying the hell together. Of course, Skeletor thinks otherwise.

Stabbing your knife into a tree helps you find someone more effectively. It's like echo-location.

Shannon is quite ready to leave her brother behind. This means, like Anna Nicole Smith will die for leaving Cliched Girl to die, she will die for being mean.

And there's Quint Ripoff - sorry, "Thatcher" - reporting that Asthma Nerd is dead.

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex, Lisa Loeb, Asthma Nerd. The movie is three quarters over. That is a disappointingly low bodycount.

SIXTH COMMERCIAL. Hopefully only a half-hour left.

"Meddy-evil." Anna Nicole Smith has never heard the word 'medieval' pronounced before, it would seem.

I feel sorry for Sallah stuck in this movie. He's the only decent actor in it (sry Josh Holloway - definite improvement by the time of 'Lost,' mind you.)

Oh no, Sawyer and Shannon are running away from Tigger. AND we see Tigger-vision! One of them or both will die, probably from falling down on the rocks.

Sawyer sees Tigger and has the same damn look as when he sees the Polar Bear in Lost.

Tigger leaps around like Peter Cottontail.

And there goes Shannon, Tigger having loped off with her, no longer like Peter Cottontail, but like a Jackalope.

Webster's diction changes in the scene where Sawyer meets Quint Ripoff and is all 'I SAW TIGGER.' I'm not sure why.

Quint Ripoff is trying to kill Tigger. Sure, that'll work.

And there goes Sallah. Now the movie is made up entirely of either bad or unskilled actors. Fantastic. Also it is amazing how someone who gets RUN OVER BY TIGGER (see: Quint Ripoff) can be unharmed except for maybe having the wind knocked out of him.

Bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex, Lisa Loeb, Asthma Nerd, Shannon, Sallah.

SEVENTH COMMERCIAL.
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

[thefilmchick]

Tigger-vision, with Webster having turned into John Locke. Unfortunately, Webster does not have Locke's skills and so he too will die.

Tigger looks bored with the conversation.

Yes, hiding inside a cave is always smart.

OH MY GOD WEBSTER IS HAVING A KNIFE BATTLE WITH THE CAT SWIPING AND TOOTHING AT HIM. OH MY GOD HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Obvious parallel: The two couples still alive include a blond bimbo and a buff guy, each. I wonder if it was intended! </sarcasm>

Oh no, Sawyer is going to die too, probably. Sadness! That is, unless some retard sticks their head down the hole and Tigger leaps for it. That would be fantastic.

I hope Quint Ripoff doesn't spear Sawyer!

The CGI is slipping really badly.

Yay Sawyer lives (thus far)!

Quint Ripoff is out of ammo because Anna Nicole Smith took it out of his gun. They are both dead.

Anna Nicole Smith: It's what's for dinner.

Because nothing can kill that damn sabretooth unless you stab it right in the gut.

Once more, SAWYER HEALS REMARKABLY FROM DEADLY INJURIES. Gunshots? Nah. Sawyer is invisible in all forms to gunshots. He can survive them in this piece of crap, and he can survive them in 'Lost.' I wonder if the Lost writers got the idea for having him survive from this.

Final bodycount: Will Ferrell, Carl the Janitor, Cliched Couple Having Sex, Lisa Loeb, Asthma Nerd, Shannon, Sallah, Webster, Anna Nicole Smith.

END.

Cheesiness: 7/10.
Rewatchability: 4/10.
Josh Holloway: 7/10. (Docked for the super short hair.)
Tigger: 0.5/10.
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

[thefilmchick]

Update: This movie on TNT starring Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond) is also crappy, although less crappy than Sabretooth. Demi Moore looks more manly than he does, though.
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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.