Lost Video Island

[Jackaroo]

Revelation

Jack stepped outside the Hatch to take a walk – and a breather. He just had to get away from there for a while; away from Sawyer, and from Kate sitting at his bedside… Sun followed him out. She probably worried about him, and he guessed she was right. He hadn’t eaten or slept in – how long was it?

“Jack, do you want something to drink?”

He tried not to show how tired he was – or that he’d stepped outside to be alone. She had this sweetest smile on her face – caring. His smile was a faint one. It was no use trying to hide his fatigue from her. Sun had somehow managed to learn to see right through him. He couldn’t help accept the help she offered him.

He nodded, “Yeah, that'd be nice. What have you got for me?”

“Water,” she said as she offered him the bottle. He’d seen that was all she was holding, but asked,

“Water… you haven't got anything stronger?”

“Sorry... Sawyer has got all the ‘booze’...”

He laughed at the face she made to go with the comment. Her eyes twinkled for a second as she smiled broadly, too. He unscrewed the bottle and found himself becoming thirstier with every sip he took. He’d nearly drunk the entire half litre before he realized it – or before he sensed the vague funny taste there was to it.

“Where’d this come from?”
“The rain water.”
“OK.” Didn’t really matter, anyway. “Thanks.”

They stood there together for a while, comfortably silent.

He never suspected her of anything when he started feeling a bit light in the head, or when he got seriously dizzy after that. He blinked vehemently and shook his head to clear up his sight. Didn’t really work. He grabbed hold of Sun’s shoulder for support as the world around him seemed to start moving in ways it shouldn’t.

“Sun?”

She couldn’t keep him upright – he was too heavy for her to support all the way – so she helped him sit down on the ground.
She calmly talked to him; “Jack… you need some rest…”

“I’m not feeling very well… sort of dizzy…”

“It's nothing Jack… it'll just make you rest a bit...”

You put something in the water, didn’t you? What – are you and Kate gonna pull this on me every time I don’t keep to my bedtimes?

“What did you put in that water, Sun?”

He felt his body going limp, eyes starting to roll away. Instinctively fought to stay awake. It was a fight he couldn’t possibly win, though, and Sun’s voice seemed to come from somewhere distant as she said, “Trust me Jack… it’ll only make you sleep for a while.”

“I don’t wanna…” She probably couldn’t understand him properly, and it didn’t really matter since he never got to finish his sentence. He closed his eyes and gave into sleep. From far, far away; “I know you don't want to… but you need to...”


He slowly opened his eyes, finding Sun was there watching him.

“Hi, Jack.”

His first thought was, How long have I been out?
But that really didn’t matter when he remembered he’d dreamt – and what he’d dreamt. And he just knew…

He sat up, “hi”, looked at her intently to read from her face if he’d talked in his sleep.

He had. And she had heard it. Shit… shit…
Maybe he could convince her that… that what? Eyes wandering as he searched for something to tell her.

Pretend it’s nothing. Maybe it’s not that bad...

“Did I, er… did I talk in my sleep?”

Please, no. Just say I didn’t.

He didn’t usually do, anyway.

She slowly nodded, looked serious.

“I’m sorry, Jack. I felt I shouldn’t leave you out here by yourself.”

He nodded, too. She knew. Oh, shit…

“Sun… look, this…” he smiled as he shook his head to try and make it all seem less serious.

“I don’t know exactly what I told you, buttehm…”

He got up to his feet. There really wasn’t a smooth way out of this. He shouldn’t have asked her; that way they’d both have been able to pretend it never happened. But – too late for that, now.

“Look, just… forget about it, okay?”

He nodded. Yeah. They could do that. Just forget about it.

“Is that what you want?”

He knotted his brows in confusement, “What?”

“Is that what you want? Forget about it?”

Shrugged, duh, “Yeah.” What other option is there?

A silence fell between them.

“Jack… if you need to talk…”

“I don’t”, he cut in determined. There was nothing to talk about, anyway.

He cursed her for her care, for her instincts, or whatever it was that made her say,

“Are you in love with him?”

The question shook him on his feet, made him snort, smile, cry inside, shake his head.

“What?”

“Are you in love with him?”

“Yea, I heard you. But, I mean – laughing – come on, Sun! He’s the most self-centered, arrogant, pain-in-the-ass redneck I’ve ever met. Oh, and yeah – he’s a guy?”

Did he sound hysterical? Did he look hysterical, the way his facial muscles moved, the way his eyes refused to focus on anything in particular?

“Jack…”

He looked her in the eye, raised his brows. “Sun. I – am not – gay. I was married, okay?”

She nodded, “OK,” and turned; started to walk away from him. Her care, her instincts – whatever it was – somehow forced him to -

“Sun.”

He’d have to get this out of the way for once and for all. Make her believe him.

Or tell her the truth.

But when she turned, he couldn’t speak. Just couldn’t. Because, as long as he kept it shut inside, safely tucked away, he could still go on pretending. But once he’d said it, out loud, or allowed the words to take on a form in his head… it’d be real. Tears burned behind his eyes, but he was not going to let them out.
She walked up close to him, looked him in the eyes questioningly.

“Jack… are you okay?”

She put her hand on his arm. Not good.
Shit! How did she – how could she… he looked around to everything there was to see, anything but Sun’s questioning eyes, as he felt his eyes filled with tears. He looked away from her and bit his lip, fought them back. This was not really happening.

How he wanted to get it out. How he wanted to keep it in. How he wanted to go back in time and tell Sun he wasn’t thirsty. He had to swallow away something before he could answer, softly,

“No… I don’t know… I…”

One tear made its way down his cheek. She just looked at him, patiently, encouraging. He wanted to tell her to get lost and leave him alone. He choked,

“I’m sorry.”

A confused look in her eyes, “What for?”

More tears escaped. He had no words to answer her question – and he couldn’t have answered even if he’d had them. He looked around at everything but the woman standing in front of him. Who took another step towards him. Who put a hand on his cheek and wiped a few drops away with her thumb. A look of doubt washed over her face as she dropped her hand. But apparently, she decided to make him open up to her. And he heard her ask,

“Jack… are you gay?”

A shiver went down his spine as he gasped for breath.

“No…” don’t ask me that, don’t, please… He heard the desperate tone in his own voice,

“I can’t… I won’t…”

“Don’t lie to me – don’t lie to yourself.”

He frantically shook his head in denial, “No. No, no, no, no…”

But it was real. As much as he’d deny it, push it away, it wouldn’t change what he really felt.

His tears won the fight. The shaking turned into nodding.

“Yeah,” he said without sound. A little louder – a whisper; “yeah.”
Looked her in the eye – away – back. Then he closed his eyes as he said it out loud. “Yes.”

She flung her arms around him – which should’ve been comical, but wasn’t. He didn’t respond, just stood there. Shoulders slumped. Truth sinking in.

“It is OK, Jack.”

She sounded like she really believed that. He wished he could. He pulled himself away from her.

“No. No, it’s not… OK, Sun. It’s… this…”

I never should’ve told you. I never should’ve… ******, Jack, what were you thinking?

“this was not supposed to happen. I, I'm not supposed to be…“ Couldn’t utter the word, “I thought... I married... I loved her.”

But he’d known, even back then, that it was not the kind of love he was supposed to feel for her; not the kind of love it took to make a marriage work. And he’d tried, he’d tried, and told himself he’d made it go away. Told himself – told her – she’d fixed him. It’d been a lie, no matter how hard he’d wanted it to be true. But he’d become good at lying, so good that he…
Had he ever really believed it?

She must’ve seen he was shaking. She took his hand and led him to a log she’d apparently noticed, then sat down on it and pulled him down to sit next to her. He let her.

She seemed to weigh her words carefully; she spoke hesitantly and looked at him intently, as if she was afraid she’d say something wrong, and as if it would be catastrophical if she did.

“I… understand it’s… hard, but… it doesn’t change who you are. And… you are a beautiful person, Jack.” She smiled a bit, “You must take my word for that, okay?”

He nodded. He didn’t – take her word for it. He knew himself better than she did, didn’t he? He looked down at the ground.

“Maybe… I am a very naïve girl, but… I thought, in the West… it doesn’t really matter.”

He snorted, even laughed shortly. The amazing Western World, right.

“Oh, it matters, alright.”

“But, how? Why?”

Was she playing dumb on purpose, to force him to answer these questions for himself? He looked at her again. Yeah – that was exactly what she was doing. But he’d answer, anyway.
Because… he trusted her, and he couldn’t dismiss her – couldn’t say ‘no’ to that caring face.

“Because it’s… no one… everyone… parents…” It was hard to think of the right words to put it in.
“It’s just… it’s not normal. It’s not what people want. People don’t want a- - - gay… doctor.
People don’t want - - - gay children.”

Something in his face, or in the choked tone of his voice, had given him away,

“Parents… your parents?”

As much as he hated having to think about himself, he knew letting it out was the right thing to do. And as much as he hated the understanding, probing look Sun was giving him, he knew she was the right person to let it out to. If he could…

“Tell me about them.”

Overwhelmed with memories, he shook his head. A blurry veil covered his eyes.

I don’t know if I can…

He knew his parents loved him. Of course they did. And it wasn’t fair to say his childhood had sucked – not at all. They had just wanted what was best for him; that was why Christian had been - a little distant, and asking much of him. Because he’d wanted the best for his son. This had simply been his way to try and make him strong and able to deal with pressure and criticism.

And he’d turned out well, hadn’t he? Renowned – nearly famous – surgeon. Lots of friends. Wealthy. Lovely wife.

Gay people didn’t get all of that. Not in the society he grew up in. It just didn’t fit the picture.
That perfect picture his father had thought up for him to fit in. Yeah, they’d talked about it. And Christian told him what to do, as he always had told him what he could do best.

“If you want to be a doctor… people don’t want homosexual doctors, son. People want normal doctors. So, if I were you, I’d get my act together and deal with this as soon as possible. You’re seventeen, Jack, and you’re not the only one whose hormones are pulling tricks. But you can fight it. Don’t let this ruin your life, son. Get over it.”

“I was never... good enough. I will never be... good enough.

I am not what they wanted.”

As he blinked the veil away and glanced aside, he could see the nearly angry look in her eyes. That hadn’t been his intention, not at all.
But could he blame her? He was a mess, and she didn’t have that much to go with.

“But they are not here, now. So, maybe it’s time you let it go. Because - what did they want? A perfect picture? A fantasy child? That is not fair. Maybe it’s time you stop trying to live up to their expectations. Allow yourself to be… you.”

He’d wanted to defend his father, as he always had. And he wanted to tell her it wasn’t that easy to let it go, because he hardly know who he’d be if he gave up on that picture of Jack he’d made his own over the years. If he could do that, at all.

Did I really mess up that bad?
But the look on Sun’s face stopped him from saying any of that. All of this; all they had said, all he had shared – it was safe with her. And he knew she understood it – him, more than he’d wanted. But somehow… that was OK now.
Because life wouldn’t get easier any time soon now he’d allowed things to become real. But at least he wouldn’t be alone.

He felt his body relax slowly as they sat there silently, her hand on his. He stopped trembling, his breathing went back to normal. And his tears dried. It wouldn’t be the last time he ever cried – but it was the first time in a long time he stopped it just because he felt better. Eventually, he cleared his throat.

“Sun?”

He looked aside and met her eyes asking him ‘what?’ He nodded.

“Thank you.”

~The end~


Written by Jackaroo.
With thanks to Mona Hegli, who played Sun in the spontaneous YIM RP out of which this story evolved.

*disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or concepts of LOST. They belong to ABC and J.J. Abrams and the lot.*

I DO DO DO like feedback!!!

[Fan4Lost]

WOW! That was really cool. I'm not into the whole Jack being gay idea, but that was awesome. I felt his inner anguish as he struggled to cope with it. And how he wanted to admit it but was afraid to let anyone know as if it would change the way everyone looked at him. My cousin is gay and she went through that whole thing and I can't even begin to imagine the torment that keeping it inside can cause a person to feel.

I'm an open person, I love people for who they are, not who they prefer to date, just so you know. If you seen me on the board, you'd know I'm a very laid-back individual. This fic was really amazing. I loved it. I had to giggle because wouldn;t it beat all if he really was gay! That would explain why he acts the way he acts around Kate and Ana and SAWYER!!! LOL.

Very good job, is there more to it? I would love to read what happens next.

[Jackaroo]

Fan4Lost, thanks heeps for taking the time and trouble to drop a line!
As for what happens next... I don't have any plans for that. thnx again

[DaisyAdair]

I agree with Steph (Fan4Lost) on how she felt about the story.
It is really good!

Please write more ...
_________________
Avi By CITYWIDERODEO @Livejournal

[Jackaroo]

thank you Daisy!!!!!!!!

I have come up with a prequel, lolol (since I'm all into Jarah, as well ),
it's called ' Breaking up ' on here -- I hope you'll like it...